Annnnnnnnnd we're back...

Holy mother, it's been a MINUTE since I posted on here... Wow, how life can change. This summer has been life-altering. Today I feel strong, aware, involved, loved, lov-ing, comfortable, and progressive...

That's a start. :)

I am interviewing for a new job today. I have been unemployed since April. I am anxious and excited for change in my life. I'm letting go and letting God, today.

Baby steps to my Everest...

So I sent off the application, written and video, for The Biggest Loser, season 12 on Friday! Wow, what a freaking project! My sis Alicia and I have had so much fun putting it together. I have laughed so much with her, but I think a lot of the laughing was because I didn't want to cry because it freakin' hurts to realize what I am dealing with (i.e. ME) today... Seeing yourself on video in a sports bra and spandex... NOT fun. I look at myself and realize how much denial I've been in for so long. I have become the Queen Mother of denial and rationalization! Like I'll see a photo of myself or see myself in the mirror, and I just somehow disregard the image and tell myself that's not really me. The camera adds a hundred pounds; the mirror is defective... Holy crap you guys!

So: it starts now (again, again, again. Again.)! Today I am accountable for what I do to/with my body. Whether or not we are picked for the show, I am committing to live a healthy lifestyle. I can't do the things I truly want to in this body. I am 33 years old, I have lots of years ahead, and the world is a huge place with so many people to meet and things to see and just life to experience! The only person who holds me back from all that is Me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

What can I change today? A character defect I have is that I make big plans and get all excited, then I lose interest quickly and don't follow through and/or procrastinate doing what needs to be done. That is NOT working for me, obviously. I watched a series on people who climb Mt. Everest, and something that hit me was that they literally could only do it one tiny step at a time, and each tiny step was just as important as the next. I think small steps are the best plan for me, today.

Today I will:

• Drink half my bodyweight in water. I can do this, water is free! It's not a matter of rocket science, and gulping water will not strain/sprain or break anything.

Oh, and by the by, I committed on my audition video to quit smoking. I have purchased an E-Cigarette, and have been kinda using it and kinda smoking real ones, with no plan. Help??!

Versatile Blogger Award!

Thank you Rachael for giving me the Versatile Blogger Award! Awwww! I love to read her blog--y'all should check it out: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog . Rachael writes on living life on life's terms, and in doing so inspires others to do the same.                                                                                      

The tradition that goes along with this award is the person awarded must list some things that people may not know about them. Here are some trivial tidbits about me...:

• When putting on socks and shoes, the routine is ALWAYS left sock, left shoe; right sock, right shoe. If I don't do it this way, my day is rather *off*.
• My first plane ride was at age 27.
• I didn't start driving until age 24.
• I think Neil Diamond is sexy.
• I have a severe phobia of toilets.
• I am the Queen Fire-starter; take me camping, you'll see.
• I sing in the shower. True story.

Now it's my turn to pass on the honor of the award. I nominate the following:

Maggie: http://fireworkssparklerainbow.blogspot.com/

Rachael: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog

Bobbi: http://wdwbobbie.wordpress.com/

Anna: http://naptimebakery.blogspot.com/



Accountable.

So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.

I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.

I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...

My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...

So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)

New Diet, Again. Again.

So I've been doing my own version of the Atkin's diet for the last month or so. I wanted to lose weight quickly. So I've been really compliant, but in doing so am finding my body is not agreeing with the plan. I have no energy, I have more pain than usual, even for me, I find my blood sugar tanking every day, and I feel really deprived. I decided this probably won't work for me long term, and my body needs some good carbs and some fruit and such. A friend suggested the website SparkPeople.com, and I like it a lot! It has you track your food, exercise, and other healthy goals and it's really interactive. You enter a goal weight and your current weight and the date you want to reach the goal and it gives you a diet plan. That is what I'm doing. Today. Ha! I am the Queen of Diets. What haven't I tried...?

I am trying a new thing for meals, as I hate to actually prepare food for just me. I made a smoothie today, and am going to take those for meals at work. Much easier to eat on the go that way. Mine was all fruity, with whey protein and spinach. Colour me health-ful. Ü

Weekly Weigh-In, ED's, and Haiku

What an intense Biggest Loser this week! I promise, again, NO SPOILERS, but as usual it was very inspirational and motivating. I couldn't believe the numbers even the skinny ones pulled! My sisters and I did our weekly "Hofheins Hotties" weigh-in, and I think due to Superbowl Sunday, several of us pulled no-gain/no-loss-es, myself included. Audrey took the title with 3 lbs.! Good work sis!

Speaking of weight loss and such, I have this thing which I'd probably term an Eating Disorder that's just not commonly talked about. Anorexia and Bulimia are very rampant and of course very devastating in many people's lives, including many friends in my circle(s). I suffer from (my term) Compulsive Overeating, which I'd describe as bulimia without the purging. I'll wait until I'm alone and consume huge amounts of food. I used to do this daily, when I started methadone it got really ugly--we're talking a whole package of cookies, a whole package of Pringles, and a large bag, like family sized, of M & M's a DAY. I gained roughly 60 lbs. in a few short months. I've been doing really well lately, but find that like with my alcoholism, when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (the good old H.A.L.T. principle), I am really triggered to binge. I know it's abnormal, because I don't really eat in front of people, nor do I eat much during the day time. I actually plan it, I hoarde food, hide it, then binge usually late at night. Horrible for my metabolism!!! As I mentioned, it's been pretty stagnant for awhile now, but Superbowl Sunday came around and we had so much food here, and I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted that day. I thought I'd be fine the next day, but I'm really struggling to get back to the healthy lifestyle I've been practicing. Just that one day threw me ridiculously out of whack. Wow, just writing it out in black and white really helps to hold me accountable, even if to just myself. They say we are as sick as our secrets. Colour me healthy-er.

On a random note, I dare you to write a haiku today! (an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively) Here's mine:

get this back on track
cunning, baffling, powerful
carpe my diem

Play!!!

Dear Mr. Smelly Coat

So I went to the post office yesterday to mail something to my dad who is in the exciting city of Milwaukee. I'm standing up at the window and am slammed with this horrible odor! It's one of those where you don't know whether it's worse to breathe in through your mouth or your nose. I check my pits first, as you all know you do in situations like this, then turn my head to my left and am again assaulted: the man at the window next to me is oozing this odor, and it's not just b.o. It's like that sweet, rusty stench of someone with multiple forms of b.o. who wears the same coat every day and doesn't wash it, so that each day, layers are added to layers of stench. Holy mother! I turned back to finish what I was doing with watering eyes. Please, please, please, sir, wash that coat. Or burn it. Don't make the rest of us suffer.

Contemplation, in terms

So I went to a women's A.A. meeting yesterday. I sadly admit that was my first meeting in like a week and a half, but it was a really good meeting. The topic was on honesty and surrender, mostly, and it just made me think about what's floating around in my world these days in relation...

People ask me where I've been and what I've been up to and for some reason it's hard for me to say, so I'll write. :) Some of you know I've given up a job at the USPS REC, about a month ago. It paid well, actually, and a lot of people really like it. I had been there almost 2 and a half years, and was going crazier by each click of that ugly little time clock... I seriously had a few "breakdowns", requiring hospital stays on the floor where they lock the door from their side. I kept going back to work there, and kept feeling worse. I decided a lot of the issue, for me, was that I had 8 hours to stare at a computer screen, doing repetive keying, while my head spun inside itself and had no place to go. Being in my head is very unsafe. It started to affect even my sobriety, and one day I heard someone say at a meeting that NOTHING is worth their sobriety, and at the time they were speaking of their own job, which was very successful and respected etc. I decided I had to make a change. I then, of course, tried living in the fear of the future for a minute, then remembered all this stuff I'm being taught and have been taught since infanthood: put it in God's hands. I just started praying that the right change for ME would happen, and  putting forth that faith and trust meant to me that I didn't get to ask how or why. I was given an opportunity at the local Chev up the street from where I live, and since starting I have been smiling and laughing and feeling light hearted and more clear in my head than in a long time... Not a lucrative move, but I'm learning so many things every day about me and about people and life. And I get to interact with people! I've missed that. I have met so many of the greatest people already, just in the month I've been there. My mental health feels so stable today. I am very blessed and feel grateful for the change.

So back to the whole surrender and honesty, I realized I've had to surrender my will to God's, and had to be honest with me in order to do that. I kept beating my head against the proverbial brick wall trying to force myself to stay at that job that was killing me, and I had to let that go. And I am not better than what God gives me today. I clean toilets, pick up other people's garbage, sweep floors, etc, and I am grateful for the humility, today. That could change tomorrow, but it's working today. Ü  I'm on my feet, which is another huge blessing, as I was becoming so sedentary and unhealthy. It feels good to be physically busy and I have more energy. I digress. I guess I'm trying to communicate that's where I am these days...

Superbowl Sunday! Steelers Packers, and go Steelers! Having family over for the game. Gonna be a good day. Gonna hate it on Tuesday when I weigh in...

New Year's Rez's revisited

So the results are in for the "Hofheins Hotties" biggest loser contest for this past week, and guess who won with a loss of 4 big ones and a weekly percentage of weight loss of 1.71? Yeah, that'd be me. Ü Feels good after a gain last week! Gonna keep on trucking, and am so blessed to have my sisters to help motivate and inspire me to keep doing better. On game day the other day, they were all talking about their workouts and you guys, they work so hard! All of them. I am so proud of them. All I could think was that I need to do even better.

As we are in February now, I suppose it's time to revisit the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing and be accountable. So, without further adieu (you know, I don't even know what that word means...It just sounds wordy and smart-ish),...

-Exercise 4-6 days a week
Ok, on this one I really did well for the first couple of weeks! I had worked up to 50 minutes of really strong exercise with my heart rate in a really beneficial zone. Then I hurt my back, and it's almost like I'm living in fear of hurting it again because of the pain. Biggest Loser addressed this last night a little and I was actually crying, watching it, because I just seem to hold myself back because of that fear. I live in pain every day, but I feel like I'm letting fear of it control my actions. I have fibromyalgia, but even the doc--both the specialist and my regular--said the keys to managing it are diet, sleep, and EXERCISE. I will commit to at least 3 days a week of exercise, and post about it on those days.

-Drink more water/less diet coke (!)
This one has gone really well for me! I am drinking TONS of water and have cut the imbibing on diet coke down to about 2 cans a day. I don't know that I will completely stop drinking it, but drink lots of water to counteract (I know) the detriments. They say to drink half your body weight in ounces, and I think I'm there. I will commit to continue to drink water.

-Participate in a 5 and 10k run
Ok, so this one is an outstanding idea for a more long term goal, but I need to break it down into something I can account for on a more weekly-like basis. I think this one ties into exercise, so again, exercise to get in shape to train for a run this year.

-Track daily on Livestrong.com
So this one went really well for the first week or two. I was tracking what I ate each day and my exercise. I am using a heart rate monitor which also counts calores burned and I was tracking each workout. I really like the way this website works, and it does all the work for you once you enter the information. I felt accountable for what I ate which really helped. I got a little off track. So I re-commit to track daily on livestrong.

It seems my goals are all dedicated to getting healthy, and in the month since I wrote them I've lost a total of 13 lbs. That's definitely progress and I'm grateful! Perhaps I could think of some non-fitness related goals as well. I'll be pondering...

Wow, that was making me feel so accountable! I think I need to smoke... Heh heh heh. :) Any ideas or suggestions or sharing about your successes or slips/re-committing are very much appreciated and welcome!

Gaming with the Girls. And the children.

Logan, Lincoln, and Taylor Worshipping the Wii

Yesterday was game day with my sisters. We try to get together every couple of weeks to hang out. Of course that means it's kid day too! We try to get our card -play on amidst the chaos of busy children who need a snack or need a drink of water or need a snack or need a  kiss-better because they fell and hit their head or need a snack or need a time-out because he hit me first or need a snack or need a diaper change or need a snack or need a battery for the Wii or need a snack or need a wipe or need a snack or need a cuddle or need a snack or need a nap... Oh. My. Word. I could never be a mommy. I LOVE my babies. :)


Dyson and his carpet-blankie



Lawson and Ashlynn lovin' the cupcakes

Audge enjoying a little broccoli

Lawson and more cupcake lovin'

Lincoln at lunch time, grammy's Tuna Delights

Team player? Ummmm...

I've been feeling pretty good these last few months. I've been laughing a lot and spending a lot of time with my family and getting used to living inside a house in a real bedroom, I've changed jobs and am so happy with that choice, I've been working on physical health; I've been coasting along thinking everything was perfect. Yesterday afternoon I got slammed hard with some emotions that I haven't felt for awhile. I was feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed, restless, irritable, and discontented. I felt so confused! What was this??!  Reality check! So last night I went to a meeting with my sponsor--like actually put my ass in a chair in a meeting (hold the presses!) and then met with her afterward. Holy crap, I needed to be there! On my way there I was actually talking out loud to myself, saying that I better speak up and share something in that meeting, and prayed that God would give me what I needed from the meeting. The topic was on a tradition about how success is based on unity. We are all members of a group, and an individual cannot do it alone; we each need the group, to receive from but also to give to. I did share, and kinda vomited out all of the craziness in my head, and got a lot from listening to the others. The thing that kept being said was that we are all like members of a football team, and we need each other. My team shows up for me without fail, but I've been neglecting my role as a team member to show up for them. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I've been accepting lots of support and help from my team, then I kinda run off the field after I get what I need. I am realizing how self-centered and selfish I am--I don't say that to myself in judgment or blame, but as an observation. The truth is the truth, and thank God people are willing to be honest with me today. One of the guiding principles of my program is to give back what has been so freely given. I can't keep what I have unless I give it away. This applies to all of the people in my life, in or out of AA. I am not giving anything away! People need me the way I need them, and I've let my great big ego plop it's fat butt right on top of that truth. I suppose it doesn't matter if you have delusions of grandeur or you despise yourself; that's all ego. I forgot. I apologize to all of you who are my team members, I did not drop the ball, I ran with it out of the stadium while you were all getting ready for the second quarter of play... :)

After the meeting I got to sit down with my sponsor. I love my sponsor! She really gets me, and she doesn't tell me what I want to hear for the sake of making me feel better. She is honest with me. I am so grateful! What it came down to is that I know what I need to do. I know! It's a matter of follow through with me, and this is the issue I always come back to. I am lazy! Again, I say that without judgment or blame, but as an observation of repeated patterns. I am an extremist, and when I start something I go all out, and then I coast along on that into complacency, preaching about a way of life that I offer no connection to. Also, I lack a routine. I float around from thing to thing and don't put an effort into consistency, then craziness builds up inside and eventually I explode. I need to make some changes! And the ever-elusive balance thing is something I get to learn how to apply...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a beautiful family who shows up for me, always. I have amazing friends and a support system who also show up for me, always. Now I get to own a part in all of your journeys, as a member of your teams, and I get to show up for you.

Thanks for the rant. :)

On a lighter note, I had only ONE diet coke yesterday. ONE. Tons of water. My skin is clearing up visibly, and I just feel better. Who knew?! Billy Blanks kicked my butt yesterday. My rib meat is yelling at me.



Wow, sorry, lots in my head and on my heart.

Resentments and such

So I am working step 4 in my program, which is that we "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I've been dragging my feet on this one for months! This step means we have to look at our resentment and our fears. On my first trip up the steps I had pages upon pages of resentments and fears, to the point where my sponsor finally said enough, now let's look at the point. The point is finding my part in all of it and cleaning up my side of the street. I think the reason I've been stalling on this is that my emotional and mental health has been so stable and I'm afraid to look at my fears and resentments because I am afraid to feel those things. Hm. Looks like someone's not being very honest with themselves... This time through, I don't have many resentments and I feel like I should rack my brain for more, but perhaps there's a reason my sponsor only gave me one page to write fears and one page to write resentments. :-) They say we cannot be in fear and faith at the same time; what camp am I in?

By the by, are there any true Jazz fans left out there? Like, a six game losing streak to some of the worst teams in the league? Guys not knowing what the plays are? Having to dig out of 19+ point deficits in most 4th quarters just to get the score to something close to even appearing to be a good effort? Frustrating. Very frustrating. Will Sloan change the line-up, try new starters? Could a caring fan slip some Red Bull into the Gatorade cooler while they're huddling on a time out? Might they wear Shape Up sneakers while they train to strengthen their running legs? Should I pray for them? Really. Frustrating. Uh oh, now I have a new addition to my fourth step...

State of the Union, Prime Time: NOT a fan.

So I'm getting ready to watch my show, Biggest Loser, and then we are forced to endure the State of the Union address. Really? I mean it's really important and interesting and politically correct and yada yada yada, but PRIME TIME? And most of it is just the media shots of the congress people putting on their camera faces shaking hands and hugging and such, as well as the commentary afterward. Democracy? No, my friends. Having every channel interrupted is a forceful, socialistic act. I do NOT concur. And THEN Biggest Loser only gets one hour; we are left hanging until who knows when--next week? tomorrow?--and feel rather disappointed... I must say, though, I really liked the way the parties had to sit with each other. Made for a feeling of connectedness and solidarity, and the President's way of joking about the way they will always disagree and argue over issues yet work together for a common goal was really accessible and intoned solidarity, in my humble, non-voter's opinion...

My sisters and I did our weekly weigh in notwithstanding the rude interruption, and Anna lost freakin' 4 LBS! Alicia lost 3! Audrey held steady! And I...gained 2 lbs... Very disappointing. I'm motivated to try harder this week; it does not feel good to be at the bottom. I'm slightly embarassed, to say to the least... Water weight? :)

H2O II

I had the greatest day, physically, yesterday! Don't want to get too excited, but for TODAY, I have to say I really felt good yesterday. I drank MUCHO water, maybe 140 oz., and perhaps 2 diet cokes. My body felt almost pain free and energetic, which is a really big deal to me, as I have been really struggling with pain and fatigue the last little while. I have to laugh at myself when I think of how I had already diagnosed myself with needing surgery on my back and daily massage therapy for the rest of my mortal life (might I be overthinking this one?), then I try the basic, simple solution and actually feel better. My aunt Kim said our bodies are composed of 70% water; mine must be more like 12.9%. My joints have no synovial fluid, my muscles are full of the sediment of years of toxins... Yes, that probably would cause one to feel dis-well. Heh. Seriously, I am ridiculous! My mornings start with grabbing a cold diet coke before my eyes actually open from sleep, and by the end of the day I've downed a 12 pack, including the one on my bedside table to take my night meds with. Really Amy??? Now I'm a mildly intelligent woman, I can write poetry and problem solve and dress myself... not sure why this comes as such enlightenment, but I'll take it. :)

So what's the deal with water?

I hate drinking water. Always have. It has no taste, it makes me gag. Bleh. Recently I've been thinking more about my health and how I might want to pay more attention to it so that I will live longer than to age 40... My body aches a LOT. I was just diagnaosed with fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, and pre-diabetes! Seriously??! So I've started exercising more regularly and eating more healthfully, but I'm still downing way way WAY too many carbonated beverages and drinking mostly no water. Ever. I'll go a week and think, hey, I didn't drink any water this week. Huh. So here's the question I'll pose to you: will drinking water improve health? I'm willing to try...

Today

So last night was Biggest Loser night--no spoilers I promise! But very inspiring, as usual. My sisters and I are still having our contest, and had a total of 9 lbs lost this week! Alicia was the big winner with 7 lbs! Great job Leesh. I lost 2 more lbs, not great, but I'll take a loss. :)

I got to chat with an old friend the other night; she and I worked together for a couple years, and we had similar issues with opiate abuse. We lost touch for a long time but reconnected and I am so proud and happy to say that we are BOTH sober. What an amazing feeling to find an old friend who is on the road of recovery. Someone said in a meeting that our road has room for all of us, and I love that thought. Imagine an army of us, hangin' on to each other, lifting up the hands that hang down, reaching out for those who want in, moving forward and making progress, today. At the beginning of every meeting we take a moment of silent prayer or meditation for those who suffer, and I think I'm not alone when I say that we pray that others will find us and our road, however that looks for them, though not everyone does or can. I just learned, in talking to this friend, that a co-worker of ours, back then is now in a coma and will probably live as not much more than a vegetable due to an overdose. God bless him and his family. There but for the Grace of God... all any of us have is today. I digress... Very good to talk to an old friend. :)

Pain is relative.

So the other day I threw out my back--holy MOther. It's so strange, it happens maybe once every few years, and I'll just be sitting up to get out of bed and then it's like a little baloon pops right between my shoulder blades, and then the pain immediately radiates outward, and I'm gasping every time I move. Have I mentioned how much I hate to feel pain? I work on my feet lifting and moving and I knew this was going to be a problem. I went into fear and panic mode. As some know, I have a history of opiate abuse, and I have pushed my body way too far not knowing it in the past because I was always medicating myself and never felt the damage I was doing. This is the first time in sobriety I'm dealing with this kind of pain, and was really concerned about going in to a doc, fearing they would give me pain meds, and then my head was spinning with the idea of those magic pills and how they could take this away... I texted several friends in the program and got some feedback, talked to my parents, and talked to my sponsor, and prayed my guts out, "Thy will be done, and help me know how to do thy will." Went to an Instacare, and they gave me a non-narcotic called Toradol (like Ibuprofen but much stronger) and suggested I get to an ER for an xray. I decided against the ER at least for now, and I went to work and have been icing and heating like crazy. A friend said that "this will eventually go away; a relapse won't." Such truth... I have lost the right to put any mind altering substances/chemicals into my body...  Found a back brace I can wear and am rotating advil and tylenol, and I have to say, last night I was almost in less pain than I usually feel even just in a normal day. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers, I know they have helped me immensely. And I'm doing it sober, one day at a time. I'm very humbled.

Eyebrows and other such nonsense

So, here's a theory: perhaps one can tell the tale of one's state of affairs by the hygiene of one's eyebrows? Really? I now have a brow on top and a brow underneath, both sides, which are beginning to blend quite nicely into my sideburns. Really. The tweezers feel as heavy as the phone when I should be making a call for help. I am powerless over tweezing and my brows have become completely unmanageable!

That said, how about a good start to a good year?! I started watching Biggest Loser again this season. I haven't been able to watch lately because it's just all to emotionally involving. But holy crap, this is going to be a good season! I asked a few of my sisters if we could all weigh in on Biggest Loser Night, and I'd keep track, and behold, I messed it up! I gave the wrong numbers on one of the girls and feel horrible! I lost seven pounds though... Ü I've been cutting out most of the carbs and really focused on good protein and lots of water. My job has me on my feet eight hours a day, which is such a good change for me! Feeling positive! "I feel skinny, Tony!" (name that movie and you get a cookie!)

Lastly, want to say how grateful I am for my life today. I have been blessed with so much. Looking over the events and situations of last year and looking at today, I am so grateful... to be clean and sober, to have a bed to sleep in, a room in a house with a door that shuts, a car that starts most the time, a job, good mental and physical health, awesome support and the feeling of connection among my friends and family, clarity in my brain, a little self-awareness, more self-esteem than I've had in my life, and most importantly a connection to my Higher Power, today. One day at a time. And how. Ü