I've been feeling pretty good these last few months. I've been laughing a lot and spending a lot of time with my family and getting used to living inside a house in a real bedroom, I've changed jobs and am so happy with that choice, I've been working on physical health; I've been coasting along thinking everything was perfect. Yesterday afternoon I got slammed hard with some emotions that I haven't felt for awhile. I was feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed, restless, irritable, and discontented. I felt so confused! What was this??! Reality check! So last night I went to a meeting with my sponsor--like actually put my ass in a chair in a meeting (hold the presses!) and then met with her afterward. Holy crap, I needed to be there! On my way there I was actually talking out loud to myself, saying that I better speak up and share something in that meeting, and prayed that God would give me what I needed from the meeting. The topic was on a tradition about how success is based on unity. We are all members of a group, and an individual cannot do it alone; we each need the group, to receive from but also to give to. I did share, and kinda vomited out all of the craziness in my head, and got a lot from listening to the others. The thing that kept being said was that we are all like members of a football team, and we need each other. My team shows up for me without fail, but I've been neglecting my role as a team member to show up for them. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I've been accepting lots of support and help from my team, then I kinda run off the field after I get what I need. I am realizing how self-centered and selfish I am--I don't say that to myself in judgment or blame, but as an observation. The truth is the truth, and thank God people are willing to be honest with me today. One of the guiding principles of my program is to give back what has been so freely given. I can't keep what I have unless I give it away. This applies to all of the people in my life, in or out of AA. I am not giving anything away! People need me the way I need them, and I've let my great big ego plop it's fat butt right on top of that truth. I suppose it doesn't matter if you have delusions of grandeur or you despise yourself; that's all ego. I forgot. I apologize to all of you who are my team members, I did not drop the ball, I ran with it out of the stadium while you were all getting ready for the second quarter of play... :)
After the meeting I got to sit down with my sponsor. I love my sponsor! She really gets me, and she doesn't tell me what I want to hear for the sake of making me feel better. She is honest with me. I am so grateful! What it came down to is that I know what I need to do. I know! It's a matter of follow through with me, and this is the issue I always come back to. I am lazy! Again, I say that without judgment or blame, but as an observation of repeated patterns. I am an extremist, and when I start something I go all out, and then I coast along on that into complacency, preaching about a way of life that I offer no connection to. Also, I lack a routine. I float around from thing to thing and don't put an effort into consistency, then craziness builds up inside and eventually I explode. I need to make some changes! And the ever-elusive balance thing is something I get to learn how to apply...
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a beautiful family who shows up for me, always. I have amazing friends and a support system who also show up for me, always. Now I get to own a part in all of your journeys, as a member of your teams, and I get to show up for you.
Thanks for the rant. :)
On a lighter note, I had only ONE diet coke yesterday. ONE. Tons of water. My skin is clearing up visibly, and I just feel better. Who knew?! Billy Blanks kicked my butt yesterday. My rib meat is yelling at me.
Wow, sorry, lots in my head and on my heart.