Friday, March 11, 2011


So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.

I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.

I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...

My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...

So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)


  1. Amy, I love reading your posts. I worked for 4 years for the Utah County Division of Substance Abuse, so I have a better than average understanding of substance abuse and what it does to the body and brain. I think it is great that you are not afraid to write about how hard it can be for you. I'm sure it is a daily struggle to stay clean and that you need as much support from those around you as possible. I love reading about your successes. You have made it so much farther than some ever do. Kudos to you for all your hard work. Keep it up!

  2. Keep your eye on the prize and you will do fine. I'm proud of how you handled the pill situation. And on the diet / exercise thing... I had a cold and went 18 days (cold was over in 7) and started back up. I didn't eat more than I should, and lost 5 pounds....but then my "rat" brain says it must be a serious thing like cancer if I'm losing weight and not exercising... I see the doctor next Friday. Stupid "rat" brain. LOL Steve Greenhagen

  3. I absolutely love and admire your honesty. I can relate all to well with it. Thinking of you and your sweet Mom today. Hoping all goes well for her. Keep us posted. Thanks for your check in, know that I'm behind you 100 percent when you are ready.

  4. Again you your strength amazes me! I have continued to watch you grow and you have supported and inspired me throughout your journey. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I love you Amy :-)

  5. You are just amazing!!! Hang in there. I'm sorry about your Mom. I hope things get figured out. That is scary. You guys are in our prayers. Love you!

  6. I think it is worth noting that it was YOU who texted me and suggested that we flush ALL of the remaining pain pills down the toilet. Realizing when any situation might be dangerous for your recovery is so important. Taking action based on that realization is very commendable.