Accountable.

So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.

I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.

I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...

My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...

So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)