Sunday, February 6, 2011

Contemplation, in terms

So I went to a women's A.A. meeting yesterday. I sadly admit that was my first meeting in like a week and a half, but it was a really good meeting. The topic was on honesty and surrender, mostly, and it just made me think about what's floating around in my world these days in relation...

People ask me where I've been and what I've been up to and for some reason it's hard for me to say, so I'll write. :) Some of you know I've given up a job at the USPS REC, about a month ago. It paid well, actually, and a lot of people really like it. I had been there almost 2 and a half years, and was going crazier by each click of that ugly little time clock... I seriously had a few "breakdowns", requiring hospital stays on the floor where they lock the door from their side. I kept going back to work there, and kept feeling worse. I decided a lot of the issue, for me, was that I had 8 hours to stare at a computer screen, doing repetive keying, while my head spun inside itself and had no place to go. Being in my head is very unsafe. It started to affect even my sobriety, and one day I heard someone say at a meeting that NOTHING is worth their sobriety, and at the time they were speaking of their own job, which was very successful and respected etc. I decided I had to make a change. I then, of course, tried living in the fear of the future for a minute, then remembered all this stuff I'm being taught and have been taught since infanthood: put it in God's hands. I just started praying that the right change for ME would happen, and  putting forth that faith and trust meant to me that I didn't get to ask how or why. I was given an opportunity at the local Chev up the street from where I live, and since starting I have been smiling and laughing and feeling light hearted and more clear in my head than in a long time... Not a lucrative move, but I'm learning so many things every day about me and about people and life. And I get to interact with people! I've missed that. I have met so many of the greatest people already, just in the month I've been there. My mental health feels so stable today. I am very blessed and feel grateful for the change.

So back to the whole surrender and honesty, I realized I've had to surrender my will to God's, and had to be honest with me in order to do that. I kept beating my head against the proverbial brick wall trying to force myself to stay at that job that was killing me, and I had to let that go. And I am not better than what God gives me today. I clean toilets, pick up other people's garbage, sweep floors, etc, and I am grateful for the humility, today. That could change tomorrow, but it's working today. Ü  I'm on my feet, which is another huge blessing, as I was becoming so sedentary and unhealthy. It feels good to be physically busy and I have more energy. I digress. I guess I'm trying to communicate that's where I am these days...

Superbowl Sunday! Steelers Packers, and go Steelers! Having family over for the game. Gonna be a good day. Gonna hate it on Tuesday when I weigh in...


  1. What a great post! You improved mental health shows. I think you asked me a while back how to break out of the negative cycle you were in. It looks like YOU found the answer. I love you and am so happy to see you moving in a positive direction.

  2. ummm go Packers and love how you "get it"