So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.
I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.
I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...
My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...
So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)
Friday, March 11, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
New Diet, Again. Again.
So I've been doing my own version of the Atkin's diet for the last month or so. I wanted to lose weight quickly. So I've been really compliant, but in doing so am finding my body is not agreeing with the plan. I have no energy, I have more pain than usual, even for me, I find my blood sugar tanking every day, and I feel really deprived. I decided this probably won't work for me long term, and my body needs some good carbs and some fruit and such. A friend suggested the website SparkPeople.com, and I like it a lot! It has you track your food, exercise, and other healthy goals and it's really interactive. You enter a goal weight and your current weight and the date you want to reach the goal and it gives you a diet plan. That is what I'm doing. Today. Ha! I am the Queen of Diets. What haven't I tried...?
I am trying a new thing for meals, as I hate to actually prepare food for just me. I made a smoothie today, and am going to take those for meals at work. Much easier to eat on the go that way. Mine was all fruity, with whey protein and spinach. Colour me health-ful. Ü
I am trying a new thing for meals, as I hate to actually prepare food for just me. I made a smoothie today, and am going to take those for meals at work. Much easier to eat on the go that way. Mine was all fruity, with whey protein and spinach. Colour me health-ful. Ü
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Weekly Weigh-In, ED's, and Haiku
What an intense Biggest Loser this week! I promise, again, NO SPOILERS, but as usual it was very inspirational and motivating. I couldn't believe the numbers even the skinny ones pulled! My sisters and I did our weekly "Hofheins Hotties" weigh-in, and I think due to Superbowl Sunday, several of us pulled no-gain/no-loss-es, myself included. Audrey took the title with 3 lbs.! Good work sis!
Speaking of weight loss and such, I have this thing which I'd probably term an Eating Disorder that's just not commonly talked about. Anorexia and Bulimia are very rampant and of course very devastating in many people's lives, including many friends in my circle(s). I suffer from (my term) Compulsive Overeating, which I'd describe as bulimia without the purging. I'll wait until I'm alone and consume huge amounts of food. I used to do this daily, when I started methadone it got really ugly--we're talking a whole package of cookies, a whole package of Pringles, and a large bag, like family sized, of M & M's a DAY. I gained roughly 60 lbs. in a few short months. I've been doing really well lately, but find that like with my alcoholism, when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (the good old H.A.L.T. principle), I am really triggered to binge. I know it's abnormal, because I don't really eat in front of people, nor do I eat much during the day time. I actually plan it, I hoarde food, hide it, then binge usually late at night. Horrible for my metabolism!!! As I mentioned, it's been pretty stagnant for awhile now, but Superbowl Sunday came around and we had so much food here, and I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted that day. I thought I'd be fine the next day, but I'm really struggling to get back to the healthy lifestyle I've been practicing. Just that one day threw me ridiculously out of whack. Wow, just writing it out in black and white really helps to hold me accountable, even if to just myself. They say we are as sick as our secrets. Colour me healthy-er.
On a random note, I dare you to write a haiku today! (an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively) Here's mine:
get this back on track
cunning, baffling, powerful
carpe my diem
Play!!!
Speaking of weight loss and such, I have this thing which I'd probably term an Eating Disorder that's just not commonly talked about. Anorexia and Bulimia are very rampant and of course very devastating in many people's lives, including many friends in my circle(s). I suffer from (my term) Compulsive Overeating, which I'd describe as bulimia without the purging. I'll wait until I'm alone and consume huge amounts of food. I used to do this daily, when I started methadone it got really ugly--we're talking a whole package of cookies, a whole package of Pringles, and a large bag, like family sized, of M & M's a DAY. I gained roughly 60 lbs. in a few short months. I've been doing really well lately, but find that like with my alcoholism, when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (the good old H.A.L.T. principle), I am really triggered to binge. I know it's abnormal, because I don't really eat in front of people, nor do I eat much during the day time. I actually plan it, I hoarde food, hide it, then binge usually late at night. Horrible for my metabolism!!! As I mentioned, it's been pretty stagnant for awhile now, but Superbowl Sunday came around and we had so much food here, and I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted that day. I thought I'd be fine the next day, but I'm really struggling to get back to the healthy lifestyle I've been practicing. Just that one day threw me ridiculously out of whack. Wow, just writing it out in black and white really helps to hold me accountable, even if to just myself. They say we are as sick as our secrets. Colour me healthy-er.
On a random note, I dare you to write a haiku today! (an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively) Here's mine:
get this back on track
cunning, baffling, powerful
carpe my diem
Play!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Dear Mr. Smelly Coat
So I went to the post office yesterday to mail something to my dad who is in the exciting city of Milwaukee. I'm standing up at the window and am slammed with this horrible odor! It's one of those where you don't know whether it's worse to breathe in through your mouth or your nose. I check my pits first, as you all know you do in situations like this, then turn my head to my left and am again assaulted: the man at the window next to me is oozing this odor, and it's not just b.o. It's like that sweet, rusty stench of someone with multiple forms of b.o. who wears the same coat every day and doesn't wash it, so that each day, layers are added to layers of stench. Holy mother! I turned back to finish what I was doing with watering eyes. Please, please, please, sir, wash that coat. Or burn it. Don't make the rest of us suffer.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Contemplation, in terms
So I went to a women's A.A. meeting yesterday. I sadly admit that was my first meeting in like a week and a half, but it was a really good meeting. The topic was on honesty and surrender, mostly, and it just made me think about what's floating around in my world these days in relation...
People ask me where I've been and what I've been up to and for some reason it's hard for me to say, so I'll write. :) Some of you know I've given up a job at the USPS REC, about a month ago. It paid well, actually, and a lot of people really like it. I had been there almost 2 and a half years, and was going crazier by each click of that ugly little time clock... I seriously had a few "breakdowns", requiring hospital stays on the floor where they lock the door from their side. I kept going back to work there, and kept feeling worse. I decided a lot of the issue, for me, was that I had 8 hours to stare at a computer screen, doing repetive keying, while my head spun inside itself and had no place to go. Being in my head is very unsafe. It started to affect even my sobriety, and one day I heard someone say at a meeting that NOTHING is worth their sobriety, and at the time they were speaking of their own job, which was very successful and respected etc. I decided I had to make a change. I then, of course, tried living in the fear of the future for a minute, then remembered all this stuff I'm being taught and have been taught since infanthood: put it in God's hands. I just started praying that the right change for ME would happen, and putting forth that faith and trust meant to me that I didn't get to ask how or why. I was given an opportunity at the local Chev up the street from where I live, and since starting I have been smiling and laughing and feeling light hearted and more clear in my head than in a long time... Not a lucrative move, but I'm learning so many things every day about me and about people and life. And I get to interact with people! I've missed that. I have met so many of the greatest people already, just in the month I've been there. My mental health feels so stable today. I am very blessed and feel grateful for the change.
So back to the whole surrender and honesty, I realized I've had to surrender my will to God's, and had to be honest with me in order to do that. I kept beating my head against the proverbial brick wall trying to force myself to stay at that job that was killing me, and I had to let that go. And I am not better than what God gives me today. I clean toilets, pick up other people's garbage, sweep floors, etc, and I am grateful for the humility, today. That could change tomorrow, but it's working today. Ü I'm on my feet, which is another huge blessing, as I was becoming so sedentary and unhealthy. It feels good to be physically busy and I have more energy. I digress. I guess I'm trying to communicate that's where I am these days...
Superbowl Sunday! Steelers Packers, and go Steelers! Having family over for the game. Gonna be a good day. Gonna hate it on Tuesday when I weigh in...
People ask me where I've been and what I've been up to and for some reason it's hard for me to say, so I'll write. :) Some of you know I've given up a job at the USPS REC, about a month ago. It paid well, actually, and a lot of people really like it. I had been there almost 2 and a half years, and was going crazier by each click of that ugly little time clock... I seriously had a few "breakdowns", requiring hospital stays on the floor where they lock the door from their side. I kept going back to work there, and kept feeling worse. I decided a lot of the issue, for me, was that I had 8 hours to stare at a computer screen, doing repetive keying, while my head spun inside itself and had no place to go. Being in my head is very unsafe. It started to affect even my sobriety, and one day I heard someone say at a meeting that NOTHING is worth their sobriety, and at the time they were speaking of their own job, which was very successful and respected etc. I decided I had to make a change. I then, of course, tried living in the fear of the future for a minute, then remembered all this stuff I'm being taught and have been taught since infanthood: put it in God's hands. I just started praying that the right change for ME would happen, and putting forth that faith and trust meant to me that I didn't get to ask how or why. I was given an opportunity at the local Chev up the street from where I live, and since starting I have been smiling and laughing and feeling light hearted and more clear in my head than in a long time... Not a lucrative move, but I'm learning so many things every day about me and about people and life. And I get to interact with people! I've missed that. I have met so many of the greatest people already, just in the month I've been there. My mental health feels so stable today. I am very blessed and feel grateful for the change.
So back to the whole surrender and honesty, I realized I've had to surrender my will to God's, and had to be honest with me in order to do that. I kept beating my head against the proverbial brick wall trying to force myself to stay at that job that was killing me, and I had to let that go. And I am not better than what God gives me today. I clean toilets, pick up other people's garbage, sweep floors, etc, and I am grateful for the humility, today. That could change tomorrow, but it's working today. Ü I'm on my feet, which is another huge blessing, as I was becoming so sedentary and unhealthy. It feels good to be physically busy and I have more energy. I digress. I guess I'm trying to communicate that's where I am these days...
Superbowl Sunday! Steelers Packers, and go Steelers! Having family over for the game. Gonna be a good day. Gonna hate it on Tuesday when I weigh in...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
New Year's Rez's revisited
So the results are in for the "Hofheins Hotties" biggest loser contest for this past week, and guess who won with a loss of 4 big ones and a weekly percentage of weight loss of 1.71? Yeah, that'd be me. Ü Feels good after a gain last week! Gonna keep on trucking, and am so blessed to have my sisters to help motivate and inspire me to keep doing better. On game day the other day, they were all talking about their workouts and you guys, they work so hard! All of them. I am so proud of them. All I could think was that I need to do even better.
As we are in February now, I suppose it's time to revisit the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing and be accountable. So, without further adieu (you know, I don't even know what that word means...It just sounds wordy and smart-ish),...
-Exercise 4-6 days a week
Ok, on this one I really did well for the first couple of weeks! I had worked up to 50 minutes of really strong exercise with my heart rate in a really beneficial zone. Then I hurt my back, and it's almost like I'm living in fear of hurting it again because of the pain. Biggest Loser addressed this last night a little and I was actually crying, watching it, because I just seem to hold myself back because of that fear. I live in pain every day, but I feel like I'm letting fear of it control my actions. I have fibromyalgia, but even the doc--both the specialist and my regular--said the keys to managing it are diet, sleep, and EXERCISE. I will commit to at least 3 days a week of exercise, and post about it on those days.
-Drink more water/less diet coke (!)
This one has gone really well for me! I am drinking TONS of water and have cut the imbibing on diet coke down to about 2 cans a day. I don't know that I will completely stop drinking it, but drink lots of water to counteract (I know) the detriments. They say to drink half your body weight in ounces, and I think I'm there. I will commit to continue to drink water.
-Participate in a 5 and 10k run
Ok, so this one is an outstanding idea for a more long term goal, but I need to break it down into something I can account for on a more weekly-like basis. I think this one ties into exercise, so again, exercise to get in shape to train for a run this year.
-Track daily on Livestrong.com
So this one went really well for the first week or two. I was tracking what I ate each day and my exercise. I am using a heart rate monitor which also counts calores burned and I was tracking each workout. I really like the way this website works, and it does all the work for you once you enter the information. I felt accountable for what I ate which really helped. I got a little off track. So I re-commit to track daily on livestrong.
It seems my goals are all dedicated to getting healthy, and in the month since I wrote them I've lost a total of 13 lbs. That's definitely progress and I'm grateful! Perhaps I could think of some non-fitness related goals as well. I'll be pondering...
Wow, that was making me feel so accountable! I think I need to smoke... Heh heh heh. :) Any ideas or suggestions or sharing about your successes or slips/re-committing are very much appreciated and welcome!
As we are in February now, I suppose it's time to revisit the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing and be accountable. So, without further adieu (you know, I don't even know what that word means...It just sounds wordy and smart-ish),...
-Exercise 4-6 days a week
Ok, on this one I really did well for the first couple of weeks! I had worked up to 50 minutes of really strong exercise with my heart rate in a really beneficial zone. Then I hurt my back, and it's almost like I'm living in fear of hurting it again because of the pain. Biggest Loser addressed this last night a little and I was actually crying, watching it, because I just seem to hold myself back because of that fear. I live in pain every day, but I feel like I'm letting fear of it control my actions. I have fibromyalgia, but even the doc--both the specialist and my regular--said the keys to managing it are diet, sleep, and EXERCISE. I will commit to at least 3 days a week of exercise, and post about it on those days.
-Drink more water/less diet coke (!)
This one has gone really well for me! I am drinking TONS of water and have cut the imbibing on diet coke down to about 2 cans a day. I don't know that I will completely stop drinking it, but drink lots of water to counteract (I know) the detriments. They say to drink half your body weight in ounces, and I think I'm there. I will commit to continue to drink water.
-Participate in a 5 and 10k run
Ok, so this one is an outstanding idea for a more long term goal, but I need to break it down into something I can account for on a more weekly-like basis. I think this one ties into exercise, so again, exercise to get in shape to train for a run this year.
-Track daily on Livestrong.com
So this one went really well for the first week or two. I was tracking what I ate each day and my exercise. I am using a heart rate monitor which also counts calores burned and I was tracking each workout. I really like the way this website works, and it does all the work for you once you enter the information. I felt accountable for what I ate which really helped. I got a little off track. So I re-commit to track daily on livestrong.
It seems my goals are all dedicated to getting healthy, and in the month since I wrote them I've lost a total of 13 lbs. That's definitely progress and I'm grateful! Perhaps I could think of some non-fitness related goals as well. I'll be pondering...
Wow, that was making me feel so accountable! I think I need to smoke... Heh heh heh. :) Any ideas or suggestions or sharing about your successes or slips/re-committing are very much appreciated and welcome!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Gaming with the Girls. And the children.
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| Logan, Lincoln, and Taylor Worshipping the Wii |
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| Dyson and his carpet-blankie |
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| Lawson and Ashlynn lovin' the cupcakes |
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| Audge enjoying a little broccoli |
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| Lawson and more cupcake lovin' |
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| Lincoln at lunch time, grammy's Tuna Delights |
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