Team player? Ummmm...

I've been feeling pretty good these last few months. I've been laughing a lot and spending a lot of time with my family and getting used to living inside a house in a real bedroom, I've changed jobs and am so happy with that choice, I've been working on physical health; I've been coasting along thinking everything was perfect. Yesterday afternoon I got slammed hard with some emotions that I haven't felt for awhile. I was feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed, restless, irritable, and discontented. I felt so confused! What was this??!  Reality check! So last night I went to a meeting with my sponsor--like actually put my ass in a chair in a meeting (hold the presses!) and then met with her afterward. Holy crap, I needed to be there! On my way there I was actually talking out loud to myself, saying that I better speak up and share something in that meeting, and prayed that God would give me what I needed from the meeting. The topic was on a tradition about how success is based on unity. We are all members of a group, and an individual cannot do it alone; we each need the group, to receive from but also to give to. I did share, and kinda vomited out all of the craziness in my head, and got a lot from listening to the others. The thing that kept being said was that we are all like members of a football team, and we need each other. My team shows up for me without fail, but I've been neglecting my role as a team member to show up for them. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I've been accepting lots of support and help from my team, then I kinda run off the field after I get what I need. I am realizing how self-centered and selfish I am--I don't say that to myself in judgment or blame, but as an observation. The truth is the truth, and thank God people are willing to be honest with me today. One of the guiding principles of my program is to give back what has been so freely given. I can't keep what I have unless I give it away. This applies to all of the people in my life, in or out of AA. I am not giving anything away! People need me the way I need them, and I've let my great big ego plop it's fat butt right on top of that truth. I suppose it doesn't matter if you have delusions of grandeur or you despise yourself; that's all ego. I forgot. I apologize to all of you who are my team members, I did not drop the ball, I ran with it out of the stadium while you were all getting ready for the second quarter of play... :)

After the meeting I got to sit down with my sponsor. I love my sponsor! She really gets me, and she doesn't tell me what I want to hear for the sake of making me feel better. She is honest with me. I am so grateful! What it came down to is that I know what I need to do. I know! It's a matter of follow through with me, and this is the issue I always come back to. I am lazy! Again, I say that without judgment or blame, but as an observation of repeated patterns. I am an extremist, and when I start something I go all out, and then I coast along on that into complacency, preaching about a way of life that I offer no connection to. Also, I lack a routine. I float around from thing to thing and don't put an effort into consistency, then craziness builds up inside and eventually I explode. I need to make some changes! And the ever-elusive balance thing is something I get to learn how to apply...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a beautiful family who shows up for me, always. I have amazing friends and a support system who also show up for me, always. Now I get to own a part in all of your journeys, as a member of your teams, and I get to show up for you.

Thanks for the rant. :)

On a lighter note, I had only ONE diet coke yesterday. ONE. Tons of water. My skin is clearing up visibly, and I just feel better. Who knew?! Billy Blanks kicked my butt yesterday. My rib meat is yelling at me.



Wow, sorry, lots in my head and on my heart.

Resentments and such

So I am working step 4 in my program, which is that we "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I've been dragging my feet on this one for months! This step means we have to look at our resentment and our fears. On my first trip up the steps I had pages upon pages of resentments and fears, to the point where my sponsor finally said enough, now let's look at the point. The point is finding my part in all of it and cleaning up my side of the street. I think the reason I've been stalling on this is that my emotional and mental health has been so stable and I'm afraid to look at my fears and resentments because I am afraid to feel those things. Hm. Looks like someone's not being very honest with themselves... This time through, I don't have many resentments and I feel like I should rack my brain for more, but perhaps there's a reason my sponsor only gave me one page to write fears and one page to write resentments. :-) They say we cannot be in fear and faith at the same time; what camp am I in?

By the by, are there any true Jazz fans left out there? Like, a six game losing streak to some of the worst teams in the league? Guys not knowing what the plays are? Having to dig out of 19+ point deficits in most 4th quarters just to get the score to something close to even appearing to be a good effort? Frustrating. Very frustrating. Will Sloan change the line-up, try new starters? Could a caring fan slip some Red Bull into the Gatorade cooler while they're huddling on a time out? Might they wear Shape Up sneakers while they train to strengthen their running legs? Should I pray for them? Really. Frustrating. Uh oh, now I have a new addition to my fourth step...

State of the Union, Prime Time: NOT a fan.

So I'm getting ready to watch my show, Biggest Loser, and then we are forced to endure the State of the Union address. Really? I mean it's really important and interesting and politically correct and yada yada yada, but PRIME TIME? And most of it is just the media shots of the congress people putting on their camera faces shaking hands and hugging and such, as well as the commentary afterward. Democracy? No, my friends. Having every channel interrupted is a forceful, socialistic act. I do NOT concur. And THEN Biggest Loser only gets one hour; we are left hanging until who knows when--next week? tomorrow?--and feel rather disappointed... I must say, though, I really liked the way the parties had to sit with each other. Made for a feeling of connectedness and solidarity, and the President's way of joking about the way they will always disagree and argue over issues yet work together for a common goal was really accessible and intoned solidarity, in my humble, non-voter's opinion...

My sisters and I did our weekly weigh in notwithstanding the rude interruption, and Anna lost freakin' 4 LBS! Alicia lost 3! Audrey held steady! And I...gained 2 lbs... Very disappointing. I'm motivated to try harder this week; it does not feel good to be at the bottom. I'm slightly embarassed, to say to the least... Water weight? :)

H2O II

I had the greatest day, physically, yesterday! Don't want to get too excited, but for TODAY, I have to say I really felt good yesterday. I drank MUCHO water, maybe 140 oz., and perhaps 2 diet cokes. My body felt almost pain free and energetic, which is a really big deal to me, as I have been really struggling with pain and fatigue the last little while. I have to laugh at myself when I think of how I had already diagnosed myself with needing surgery on my back and daily massage therapy for the rest of my mortal life (might I be overthinking this one?), then I try the basic, simple solution and actually feel better. My aunt Kim said our bodies are composed of 70% water; mine must be more like 12.9%. My joints have no synovial fluid, my muscles are full of the sediment of years of toxins... Yes, that probably would cause one to feel dis-well. Heh. Seriously, I am ridiculous! My mornings start with grabbing a cold diet coke before my eyes actually open from sleep, and by the end of the day I've downed a 12 pack, including the one on my bedside table to take my night meds with. Really Amy??? Now I'm a mildly intelligent woman, I can write poetry and problem solve and dress myself... not sure why this comes as such enlightenment, but I'll take it. :)

So what's the deal with water?

I hate drinking water. Always have. It has no taste, it makes me gag. Bleh. Recently I've been thinking more about my health and how I might want to pay more attention to it so that I will live longer than to age 40... My body aches a LOT. I was just diagnaosed with fibromyalgia, high blood pressure, and pre-diabetes! Seriously??! So I've started exercising more regularly and eating more healthfully, but I'm still downing way way WAY too many carbonated beverages and drinking mostly no water. Ever. I'll go a week and think, hey, I didn't drink any water this week. Huh. So here's the question I'll pose to you: will drinking water improve health? I'm willing to try...

Today

So last night was Biggest Loser night--no spoilers I promise! But very inspiring, as usual. My sisters and I are still having our contest, and had a total of 9 lbs lost this week! Alicia was the big winner with 7 lbs! Great job Leesh. I lost 2 more lbs, not great, but I'll take a loss. :)

I got to chat with an old friend the other night; she and I worked together for a couple years, and we had similar issues with opiate abuse. We lost touch for a long time but reconnected and I am so proud and happy to say that we are BOTH sober. What an amazing feeling to find an old friend who is on the road of recovery. Someone said in a meeting that our road has room for all of us, and I love that thought. Imagine an army of us, hangin' on to each other, lifting up the hands that hang down, reaching out for those who want in, moving forward and making progress, today. At the beginning of every meeting we take a moment of silent prayer or meditation for those who suffer, and I think I'm not alone when I say that we pray that others will find us and our road, however that looks for them, though not everyone does or can. I just learned, in talking to this friend, that a co-worker of ours, back then is now in a coma and will probably live as not much more than a vegetable due to an overdose. God bless him and his family. There but for the Grace of God... all any of us have is today. I digress... Very good to talk to an old friend. :)

Pain is relative.

So the other day I threw out my back--holy MOther. It's so strange, it happens maybe once every few years, and I'll just be sitting up to get out of bed and then it's like a little baloon pops right between my shoulder blades, and then the pain immediately radiates outward, and I'm gasping every time I move. Have I mentioned how much I hate to feel pain? I work on my feet lifting and moving and I knew this was going to be a problem. I went into fear and panic mode. As some know, I have a history of opiate abuse, and I have pushed my body way too far not knowing it in the past because I was always medicating myself and never felt the damage I was doing. This is the first time in sobriety I'm dealing with this kind of pain, and was really concerned about going in to a doc, fearing they would give me pain meds, and then my head was spinning with the idea of those magic pills and how they could take this away... I texted several friends in the program and got some feedback, talked to my parents, and talked to my sponsor, and prayed my guts out, "Thy will be done, and help me know how to do thy will." Went to an Instacare, and they gave me a non-narcotic called Toradol (like Ibuprofen but much stronger) and suggested I get to an ER for an xray. I decided against the ER at least for now, and I went to work and have been icing and heating like crazy. A friend said that "this will eventually go away; a relapse won't." Such truth... I have lost the right to put any mind altering substances/chemicals into my body...  Found a back brace I can wear and am rotating advil and tylenol, and I have to say, last night I was almost in less pain than I usually feel even just in a normal day. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers, I know they have helped me immensely. And I'm doing it sober, one day at a time. I'm very humbled.

Eyebrows and other such nonsense

So, here's a theory: perhaps one can tell the tale of one's state of affairs by the hygiene of one's eyebrows? Really? I now have a brow on top and a brow underneath, both sides, which are beginning to blend quite nicely into my sideburns. Really. The tweezers feel as heavy as the phone when I should be making a call for help. I am powerless over tweezing and my brows have become completely unmanageable!

That said, how about a good start to a good year?! I started watching Biggest Loser again this season. I haven't been able to watch lately because it's just all to emotionally involving. But holy crap, this is going to be a good season! I asked a few of my sisters if we could all weigh in on Biggest Loser Night, and I'd keep track, and behold, I messed it up! I gave the wrong numbers on one of the girls and feel horrible! I lost seven pounds though... Ü I've been cutting out most of the carbs and really focused on good protein and lots of water. My job has me on my feet eight hours a day, which is such a good change for me! Feeling positive! "I feel skinny, Tony!" (name that movie and you get a cookie!)

Lastly, want to say how grateful I am for my life today. I have been blessed with so much. Looking over the events and situations of last year and looking at today, I am so grateful... to be clean and sober, to have a bed to sleep in, a room in a house with a door that shuts, a car that starts most the time, a job, good mental and physical health, awesome support and the feeling of connection among my friends and family, clarity in my brain, a little self-awareness, more self-esteem than I've had in my life, and most importantly a connection to my Higher Power, today. One day at a time. And how. Ü