Contemplation, in terms

So I went to a women's A.A. meeting yesterday. I sadly admit that was my first meeting in like a week and a half, but it was a really good meeting. The topic was on honesty and surrender, mostly, and it just made me think about what's floating around in my world these days in relation...

People ask me where I've been and what I've been up to and for some reason it's hard for me to say, so I'll write. :) Some of you know I've given up a job at the USPS REC, about a month ago. It paid well, actually, and a lot of people really like it. I had been there almost 2 and a half years, and was going crazier by each click of that ugly little time clock... I seriously had a few "breakdowns", requiring hospital stays on the floor where they lock the door from their side. I kept going back to work there, and kept feeling worse. I decided a lot of the issue, for me, was that I had 8 hours to stare at a computer screen, doing repetive keying, while my head spun inside itself and had no place to go. Being in my head is very unsafe. It started to affect even my sobriety, and one day I heard someone say at a meeting that NOTHING is worth their sobriety, and at the time they were speaking of their own job, which was very successful and respected etc. I decided I had to make a change. I then, of course, tried living in the fear of the future for a minute, then remembered all this stuff I'm being taught and have been taught since infanthood: put it in God's hands. I just started praying that the right change for ME would happen, and  putting forth that faith and trust meant to me that I didn't get to ask how or why. I was given an opportunity at the local Chev up the street from where I live, and since starting I have been smiling and laughing and feeling light hearted and more clear in my head than in a long time... Not a lucrative move, but I'm learning so many things every day about me and about people and life. And I get to interact with people! I've missed that. I have met so many of the greatest people already, just in the month I've been there. My mental health feels so stable today. I am very blessed and feel grateful for the change.

So back to the whole surrender and honesty, I realized I've had to surrender my will to God's, and had to be honest with me in order to do that. I kept beating my head against the proverbial brick wall trying to force myself to stay at that job that was killing me, and I had to let that go. And I am not better than what God gives me today. I clean toilets, pick up other people's garbage, sweep floors, etc, and I am grateful for the humility, today. That could change tomorrow, but it's working today. Ü  I'm on my feet, which is another huge blessing, as I was becoming so sedentary and unhealthy. It feels good to be physically busy and I have more energy. I digress. I guess I'm trying to communicate that's where I am these days...

Superbowl Sunday! Steelers Packers, and go Steelers! Having family over for the game. Gonna be a good day. Gonna hate it on Tuesday when I weigh in...

New Year's Rez's revisited

So the results are in for the "Hofheins Hotties" biggest loser contest for this past week, and guess who won with a loss of 4 big ones and a weekly percentage of weight loss of 1.71? Yeah, that'd be me. Ü Feels good after a gain last week! Gonna keep on trucking, and am so blessed to have my sisters to help motivate and inspire me to keep doing better. On game day the other day, they were all talking about their workouts and you guys, they work so hard! All of them. I am so proud of them. All I could think was that I need to do even better.

As we are in February now, I suppose it's time to revisit the whole "New Year's Resolutions" thing and be accountable. So, without further adieu (you know, I don't even know what that word means...It just sounds wordy and smart-ish),...

-Exercise 4-6 days a week
Ok, on this one I really did well for the first couple of weeks! I had worked up to 50 minutes of really strong exercise with my heart rate in a really beneficial zone. Then I hurt my back, and it's almost like I'm living in fear of hurting it again because of the pain. Biggest Loser addressed this last night a little and I was actually crying, watching it, because I just seem to hold myself back because of that fear. I live in pain every day, but I feel like I'm letting fear of it control my actions. I have fibromyalgia, but even the doc--both the specialist and my regular--said the keys to managing it are diet, sleep, and EXERCISE. I will commit to at least 3 days a week of exercise, and post about it on those days.

-Drink more water/less diet coke (!)
This one has gone really well for me! I am drinking TONS of water and have cut the imbibing on diet coke down to about 2 cans a day. I don't know that I will completely stop drinking it, but drink lots of water to counteract (I know) the detriments. They say to drink half your body weight in ounces, and I think I'm there. I will commit to continue to drink water.

-Participate in a 5 and 10k run
Ok, so this one is an outstanding idea for a more long term goal, but I need to break it down into something I can account for on a more weekly-like basis. I think this one ties into exercise, so again, exercise to get in shape to train for a run this year.

-Track daily on Livestrong.com
So this one went really well for the first week or two. I was tracking what I ate each day and my exercise. I am using a heart rate monitor which also counts calores burned and I was tracking each workout. I really like the way this website works, and it does all the work for you once you enter the information. I felt accountable for what I ate which really helped. I got a little off track. So I re-commit to track daily on livestrong.

It seems my goals are all dedicated to getting healthy, and in the month since I wrote them I've lost a total of 13 lbs. That's definitely progress and I'm grateful! Perhaps I could think of some non-fitness related goals as well. I'll be pondering...

Wow, that was making me feel so accountable! I think I need to smoke... Heh heh heh. :) Any ideas or suggestions or sharing about your successes or slips/re-committing are very much appreciated and welcome!

Gaming with the Girls. And the children.

Logan, Lincoln, and Taylor Worshipping the Wii

Yesterday was game day with my sisters. We try to get together every couple of weeks to hang out. Of course that means it's kid day too! We try to get our card -play on amidst the chaos of busy children who need a snack or need a drink of water or need a snack or need a  kiss-better because they fell and hit their head or need a snack or need a time-out because he hit me first or need a snack or need a diaper change or need a snack or need a battery for the Wii or need a snack or need a wipe or need a snack or need a cuddle or need a snack or need a nap... Oh. My. Word. I could never be a mommy. I LOVE my babies. :)


Dyson and his carpet-blankie



Lawson and Ashlynn lovin' the cupcakes

Audge enjoying a little broccoli

Lawson and more cupcake lovin'

Lincoln at lunch time, grammy's Tuna Delights

Team player? Ummmm...

I've been feeling pretty good these last few months. I've been laughing a lot and spending a lot of time with my family and getting used to living inside a house in a real bedroom, I've changed jobs and am so happy with that choice, I've been working on physical health; I've been coasting along thinking everything was perfect. Yesterday afternoon I got slammed hard with some emotions that I haven't felt for awhile. I was feeling hopeless, helpless, depressed, restless, irritable, and discontented. I felt so confused! What was this??!  Reality check! So last night I went to a meeting with my sponsor--like actually put my ass in a chair in a meeting (hold the presses!) and then met with her afterward. Holy crap, I needed to be there! On my way there I was actually talking out loud to myself, saying that I better speak up and share something in that meeting, and prayed that God would give me what I needed from the meeting. The topic was on a tradition about how success is based on unity. We are all members of a group, and an individual cannot do it alone; we each need the group, to receive from but also to give to. I did share, and kinda vomited out all of the craziness in my head, and got a lot from listening to the others. The thing that kept being said was that we are all like members of a football team, and we need each other. My team shows up for me without fail, but I've been neglecting my role as a team member to show up for them. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I've been accepting lots of support and help from my team, then I kinda run off the field after I get what I need. I am realizing how self-centered and selfish I am--I don't say that to myself in judgment or blame, but as an observation. The truth is the truth, and thank God people are willing to be honest with me today. One of the guiding principles of my program is to give back what has been so freely given. I can't keep what I have unless I give it away. This applies to all of the people in my life, in or out of AA. I am not giving anything away! People need me the way I need them, and I've let my great big ego plop it's fat butt right on top of that truth. I suppose it doesn't matter if you have delusions of grandeur or you despise yourself; that's all ego. I forgot. I apologize to all of you who are my team members, I did not drop the ball, I ran with it out of the stadium while you were all getting ready for the second quarter of play... :)

After the meeting I got to sit down with my sponsor. I love my sponsor! She really gets me, and she doesn't tell me what I want to hear for the sake of making me feel better. She is honest with me. I am so grateful! What it came down to is that I know what I need to do. I know! It's a matter of follow through with me, and this is the issue I always come back to. I am lazy! Again, I say that without judgment or blame, but as an observation of repeated patterns. I am an extremist, and when I start something I go all out, and then I coast along on that into complacency, preaching about a way of life that I offer no connection to. Also, I lack a routine. I float around from thing to thing and don't put an effort into consistency, then craziness builds up inside and eventually I explode. I need to make some changes! And the ever-elusive balance thing is something I get to learn how to apply...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have a beautiful family who shows up for me, always. I have amazing friends and a support system who also show up for me, always. Now I get to own a part in all of your journeys, as a member of your teams, and I get to show up for you.

Thanks for the rant. :)

On a lighter note, I had only ONE diet coke yesterday. ONE. Tons of water. My skin is clearing up visibly, and I just feel better. Who knew?! Billy Blanks kicked my butt yesterday. My rib meat is yelling at me.



Wow, sorry, lots in my head and on my heart.

Resentments and such

So I am working step 4 in my program, which is that we "made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." I've been dragging my feet on this one for months! This step means we have to look at our resentment and our fears. On my first trip up the steps I had pages upon pages of resentments and fears, to the point where my sponsor finally said enough, now let's look at the point. The point is finding my part in all of it and cleaning up my side of the street. I think the reason I've been stalling on this is that my emotional and mental health has been so stable and I'm afraid to look at my fears and resentments because I am afraid to feel those things. Hm. Looks like someone's not being very honest with themselves... This time through, I don't have many resentments and I feel like I should rack my brain for more, but perhaps there's a reason my sponsor only gave me one page to write fears and one page to write resentments. :-) They say we cannot be in fear and faith at the same time; what camp am I in?

By the by, are there any true Jazz fans left out there? Like, a six game losing streak to some of the worst teams in the league? Guys not knowing what the plays are? Having to dig out of 19+ point deficits in most 4th quarters just to get the score to something close to even appearing to be a good effort? Frustrating. Very frustrating. Will Sloan change the line-up, try new starters? Could a caring fan slip some Red Bull into the Gatorade cooler while they're huddling on a time out? Might they wear Shape Up sneakers while they train to strengthen their running legs? Should I pray for them? Really. Frustrating. Uh oh, now I have a new addition to my fourth step...

State of the Union, Prime Time: NOT a fan.

So I'm getting ready to watch my show, Biggest Loser, and then we are forced to endure the State of the Union address. Really? I mean it's really important and interesting and politically correct and yada yada yada, but PRIME TIME? And most of it is just the media shots of the congress people putting on their camera faces shaking hands and hugging and such, as well as the commentary afterward. Democracy? No, my friends. Having every channel interrupted is a forceful, socialistic act. I do NOT concur. And THEN Biggest Loser only gets one hour; we are left hanging until who knows when--next week? tomorrow?--and feel rather disappointed... I must say, though, I really liked the way the parties had to sit with each other. Made for a feeling of connectedness and solidarity, and the President's way of joking about the way they will always disagree and argue over issues yet work together for a common goal was really accessible and intoned solidarity, in my humble, non-voter's opinion...

My sisters and I did our weekly weigh in notwithstanding the rude interruption, and Anna lost freakin' 4 LBS! Alicia lost 3! Audrey held steady! And I...gained 2 lbs... Very disappointing. I'm motivated to try harder this week; it does not feel good to be at the bottom. I'm slightly embarassed, to say to the least... Water weight? :)

H2O II

I had the greatest day, physically, yesterday! Don't want to get too excited, but for TODAY, I have to say I really felt good yesterday. I drank MUCHO water, maybe 140 oz., and perhaps 2 diet cokes. My body felt almost pain free and energetic, which is a really big deal to me, as I have been really struggling with pain and fatigue the last little while. I have to laugh at myself when I think of how I had already diagnosed myself with needing surgery on my back and daily massage therapy for the rest of my mortal life (might I be overthinking this one?), then I try the basic, simple solution and actually feel better. My aunt Kim said our bodies are composed of 70% water; mine must be more like 12.9%. My joints have no synovial fluid, my muscles are full of the sediment of years of toxins... Yes, that probably would cause one to feel dis-well. Heh. Seriously, I am ridiculous! My mornings start with grabbing a cold diet coke before my eyes actually open from sleep, and by the end of the day I've downed a 12 pack, including the one on my bedside table to take my night meds with. Really Amy??? Now I'm a mildly intelligent woman, I can write poetry and problem solve and dress myself... not sure why this comes as such enlightenment, but I'll take it. :)