Holy mother, it's been a MINUTE since I posted on here... Wow, how life can change. This summer has been life-altering. Today I feel strong, aware, involved, loved, lov-ing, comfortable, and progressive...
That's a start. :)
I am interviewing for a new job today. I have been unemployed since April. I am anxious and excited for change in my life. I'm letting go and letting God, today.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Baby steps to my Everest...
So I sent off the application, written and video, for The Biggest Loser, season 12 on Friday! Wow, what a freaking project! My sis Alicia and I have had so much fun putting it together. I have laughed so much with her, but I think a lot of the laughing was because I didn't want to cry because it freakin' hurts to realize what I am dealing with (i.e. ME) today... Seeing yourself on video in a sports bra and spandex... NOT fun. I look at myself and realize how much denial I've been in for so long. I have become the Queen Mother of denial and rationalization! Like I'll see a photo of myself or see myself in the mirror, and I just somehow disregard the image and tell myself that's not really me. The camera adds a hundred pounds; the mirror is defective... Holy crap you guys!
So: it starts now (again, again, again. Again.)! Today I am accountable for what I do to/with my body. Whether or not we are picked for the show, I am committing to live a healthy lifestyle. I can't do the things I truly want to in this body. I am 33 years old, I have lots of years ahead, and the world is a huge place with so many people to meet and things to see and just life to experience! The only person who holds me back from all that is Me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!
What can I change today? A character defect I have is that I make big plans and get all excited, then I lose interest quickly and don't follow through and/or procrastinate doing what needs to be done. That is NOT working for me, obviously. I watched a series on people who climb Mt. Everest, and something that hit me was that they literally could only do it one tiny step at a time, and each tiny step was just as important as the next. I think small steps are the best plan for me, today.
Today I will: - Drink half my bodyweight in water. I can do this, water is free! It's not a matter of rocket science, and gulping water will not strain/sprain or break anything.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Versatile Blogger Award!
Thank you Rachael for giving me the Versatile Blogger Award! Awwww! I love to read her blog--y'all should check it out: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog . Rachael writes on living life on life's terms, and in doing so inspires others to do the same. The tradition that goes along with this award is the person awarded must list some things that people may not know about them. Here are some trivial tidbits about me...:
- When putting on socks and shoes, the routine is ALWAYS left sock, left shoe; right sock, right shoe. If I don't do it this way, my day is rather *off*.
- My first plane ride was at age 27.
- I didn't start driving until age 24.
- I think Neil Diamond is sexy.
- I have a severe phobia of toilets.
- I am the Queen Fire-starter; take me camping, you'll see.
- I sing in the shower. True story.
Now it's my turn to pass on the honor of the award. I nominate the following:
Rachael: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog
Friday, March 11, 2011
Accountable.
So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.
I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.
I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...
My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...
So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)
I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.
I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...
My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...
So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
New Diet, Again. Again.
So I've been doing my own version of the Atkin's diet for the last month or so. I wanted to lose weight quickly. So I've been really compliant, but in doing so am finding my body is not agreeing with the plan. I have no energy, I have more pain than usual, even for me, I find my blood sugar tanking every day, and I feel really deprived. I decided this probably won't work for me long term, and my body needs some good carbs and some fruit and such. A friend suggested the website SparkPeople.com, and I like it a lot! It has you track your food, exercise, and other healthy goals and it's really interactive. You enter a goal weight and your current weight and the date you want to reach the goal and it gives you a diet plan. That is what I'm doing. Today. Ha! I am the Queen of Diets. What haven't I tried...?
I am trying a new thing for meals, as I hate to actually prepare food for just me. I made a smoothie today, and am going to take those for meals at work. Much easier to eat on the go that way. Mine was all fruity, with whey protein and spinach. Colour me health-ful. Ü
I am trying a new thing for meals, as I hate to actually prepare food for just me. I made a smoothie today, and am going to take those for meals at work. Much easier to eat on the go that way. Mine was all fruity, with whey protein and spinach. Colour me health-ful. Ü
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Weekly Weigh-In, ED's, and Haiku
What an intense Biggest Loser this week! I promise, again, NO SPOILERS, but as usual it was very inspirational and motivating. I couldn't believe the numbers even the skinny ones pulled! My sisters and I did our weekly "Hofheins Hotties" weigh-in, and I think due to Superbowl Sunday, several of us pulled no-gain/no-loss-es, myself included. Audrey took the title with 3 lbs.! Good work sis!
Speaking of weight loss and such, I have this thing which I'd probably term an Eating Disorder that's just not commonly talked about. Anorexia and Bulimia are very rampant and of course very devastating in many people's lives, including many friends in my circle(s). I suffer from (my term) Compulsive Overeating, which I'd describe as bulimia without the purging. I'll wait until I'm alone and consume huge amounts of food. I used to do this daily, when I started methadone it got really ugly--we're talking a whole package of cookies, a whole package of Pringles, and a large bag, like family sized, of M & M's a DAY. I gained roughly 60 lbs. in a few short months. I've been doing really well lately, but find that like with my alcoholism, when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (the good old H.A.L.T. principle), I am really triggered to binge. I know it's abnormal, because I don't really eat in front of people, nor do I eat much during the day time. I actually plan it, I hoarde food, hide it, then binge usually late at night. Horrible for my metabolism!!! As I mentioned, it's been pretty stagnant for awhile now, but Superbowl Sunday came around and we had so much food here, and I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted that day. I thought I'd be fine the next day, but I'm really struggling to get back to the healthy lifestyle I've been practicing. Just that one day threw me ridiculously out of whack. Wow, just writing it out in black and white really helps to hold me accountable, even if to just myself. They say we are as sick as our secrets. Colour me healthy-er.
On a random note, I dare you to write a haiku today! (an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively) Here's mine:
get this back on track
cunning, baffling, powerful
carpe my diem
Play!!!
Speaking of weight loss and such, I have this thing which I'd probably term an Eating Disorder that's just not commonly talked about. Anorexia and Bulimia are very rampant and of course very devastating in many people's lives, including many friends in my circle(s). I suffer from (my term) Compulsive Overeating, which I'd describe as bulimia without the purging. I'll wait until I'm alone and consume huge amounts of food. I used to do this daily, when I started methadone it got really ugly--we're talking a whole package of cookies, a whole package of Pringles, and a large bag, like family sized, of M & M's a DAY. I gained roughly 60 lbs. in a few short months. I've been doing really well lately, but find that like with my alcoholism, when I get Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (the good old H.A.L.T. principle), I am really triggered to binge. I know it's abnormal, because I don't really eat in front of people, nor do I eat much during the day time. I actually plan it, I hoarde food, hide it, then binge usually late at night. Horrible for my metabolism!!! As I mentioned, it's been pretty stagnant for awhile now, but Superbowl Sunday came around and we had so much food here, and I gave myself permission to eat what I wanted that day. I thought I'd be fine the next day, but I'm really struggling to get back to the healthy lifestyle I've been practicing. Just that one day threw me ridiculously out of whack. Wow, just writing it out in black and white really helps to hold me accountable, even if to just myself. They say we are as sick as our secrets. Colour me healthy-er.
On a random note, I dare you to write a haiku today! (an unrhymed verse form of Japanese origin having three lines containing usually five, seven, and five syllables respectively) Here's mine:
get this back on track
cunning, baffling, powerful
carpe my diem
Play!!!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Dear Mr. Smelly Coat
So I went to the post office yesterday to mail something to my dad who is in the exciting city of Milwaukee. I'm standing up at the window and am slammed with this horrible odor! It's one of those where you don't know whether it's worse to breathe in through your mouth or your nose. I check my pits first, as you all know you do in situations like this, then turn my head to my left and am again assaulted: the man at the window next to me is oozing this odor, and it's not just b.o. It's like that sweet, rusty stench of someone with multiple forms of b.o. who wears the same coat every day and doesn't wash it, so that each day, layers are added to layers of stench. Holy mother! I turned back to finish what I was doing with watering eyes. Please, please, please, sir, wash that coat. Or burn it. Don't make the rest of us suffer.
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