Baby steps to my Everest...

So I sent off the application, written and video, for The Biggest Loser, season 12 on Friday! Wow, what a freaking project! My sis Alicia and I have had so much fun putting it together. I have laughed so much with her, but I think a lot of the laughing was because I didn't want to cry because it freakin' hurts to realize what I am dealing with (i.e. ME) today... Seeing yourself on video in a sports bra and spandex... NOT fun. I look at myself and realize how much denial I've been in for so long. I have become the Queen Mother of denial and rationalization! Like I'll see a photo of myself or see myself in the mirror, and I just somehow disregard the image and tell myself that's not really me. The camera adds a hundred pounds; the mirror is defective... Holy crap you guys!

So: it starts now (again, again, again. Again.)! Today I am accountable for what I do to/with my body. Whether or not we are picked for the show, I am committing to live a healthy lifestyle. I can't do the things I truly want to in this body. I am 33 years old, I have lots of years ahead, and the world is a huge place with so many people to meet and things to see and just life to experience! The only person who holds me back from all that is Me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!

What can I change today? A character defect I have is that I make big plans and get all excited, then I lose interest quickly and don't follow through and/or procrastinate doing what needs to be done. That is NOT working for me, obviously. I watched a series on people who climb Mt. Everest, and something that hit me was that they literally could only do it one tiny step at a time, and each tiny step was just as important as the next. I think small steps are the best plan for me, today.

Today I will:

• Drink half my bodyweight in water. I can do this, water is free! It's not a matter of rocket science, and gulping water will not strain/sprain or break anything.

Oh, and by the by, I committed on my audition video to quit smoking. I have purchased an E-Cigarette, and have been kinda using it and kinda smoking real ones, with no plan. Help??!

Versatile Blogger Award!

Thank you Rachael for giving me the Versatile Blogger Award! Awwww! I love to read her blog--y'all should check it out: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog . Rachael writes on living life on life's terms, and in doing so inspires others to do the same.                                                                                      

The tradition that goes along with this award is the person awarded must list some things that people may not know about them. Here are some trivial tidbits about me...:

• When putting on socks and shoes, the routine is ALWAYS left sock, left shoe; right sock, right shoe. If I don't do it this way, my day is rather *off*.
• My first plane ride was at age 27.
• I didn't start driving until age 24.
• I think Neil Diamond is sexy.
• I have a severe phobia of toilets.
• I am the Queen Fire-starter; take me camping, you'll see.
• I sing in the shower. True story.

Now it's my turn to pass on the honor of the award. I nominate the following:

Maggie: http://fireworkssparklerainbow.blogspot.com/

Rachael: http://www.treadmill-truth.com/blog

Bobbi: http://wdwbobbie.wordpress.com/

Anna: http://naptimebakery.blogspot.com/



Accountable.

So I've been putting off and putting of posting on my blog for a few weeks now... I think the simple truth there is that I haven't wanted to be accountable and in that I let myself off the hook for behaviours that I know are old patterns.

I fell at work a few weeks ago--I was just doing what I do and was carrying 12 packs to the cooler, turned a corner wrong and stepped wrong on my foot; landed on my face. I jumped up to make sure no one saw my graceful spill then realized I was still carrying a full case which *cushioned* my fall; the other cas had spilled everywhere. No worries, only the camera caught me in my glory. ANYway, turned out to be a sprain. It hurt like a mother, both the foot and leg and the ribs where the 12 pack caught the fulness of my girth. Had to go be checked out through Worker's Comp. Xrays came back fine, no break or chip, just sprain. They prescribed pain meds, which I immediately gave to my dad to keep away from me and give me what the prescription said. I took very few--they gave me 30 which was a huge number in my addict brain. It said I could take 1-2 every 4-6 hours for a week. I took an average of one a day for a few days, then started feeling that warm euphoria I remembered from my using days. That night I flushed the remainder with my dad standing there. I decided I can NEVER be on pain medication. I will have to find other options. BUT: no slips or relapses, by the Grace of God.

I've really slipped out of my willingness to diet and exercise these last few weeks. I told myself I had an injury so I couldn't work out, and I told myself it was okay to eat whatever the hell I felt like, whenever the hell I felt like it, because I was injured. Holy mother. I've put back on most of the weight I had lost. Feeling pretty powerless and unmanageable today. My sister and I are making an audition video for next season's Biggest Loser, and having to watch THAT is rather painful, humiliating, and scary. It should feel motivating as well. I'm not sure that emotion is present today...

My mom went in to have knee surgery 2 days ago and they found a problem with her heart which prevented the surgery from happening. She is in atrial fibrillation (?), which from what I understand means one side of her heart isn't working and the other side is working really hard. She sees the cardiologist this morning and then they'll figure out a next step. I'm in shock over this one; my mom has worked out her whole life and taken really good care of her body, and she gets a heart problem?? Scary. I don't want to think about it...

So... that is where I am today. I'm writing this post to be accountable again. Truth hurts sometimes. ;)